Safeway on Church St
Edited to add: And as I left the store a man approached me, urinating (at me) and walking at the same time. Only in San Francisco.
It was worse than yesterday when a homeless man basically spooned me from behind putting his head on my shoulder while I was waiting outside a lunch spot for a friend. You know you’re getting old when you start to get deeply annoyed and can’t just ride out the craziness. Blegh!
She is still using a modified version of the computer that I had back in junior high school. I am not joking. I gave her a netbook last year, but in retrospect not such a great idea for her since I don’t want her to have to squint.
So my professional sabbatical is finally over. I worked through the things that I wanted to work through. I traveled, ate awesome food 24/7, worked on important personal projects and and also got back into the spirit of the hustle. I’ve locked down a great job at a company I admire. I feel pretty excited about the future.
I can’t let go of the fear and paranoia of being one, two months away from bankruptcy. During the last holiday season (a time symbolic of bounty), I had a heart to heart with my mother about how I was doing financially, the pros and the cons of my sabbatical and the interesting yet sporadic contract work I had lined up.
This was a bit of a shock because I’d loaned her eight thousand dollars a few years earlier, and imagined that the favor might one day be returned.When she told me this, it literally felt like chemicals were being released into my brain, behind my eyeballs… Chemicals that kept me pumped and hyper-alert to failure and opportunity. For several months I’ve been living this way. Things have settled down a bit, but to tell you the truth I haven’t quite recovered from this feeling. It’s not so much the fear of being without money as the smack of feeling incredibly alone. I’m an independent person, I like being alone. But it’s different when you HAVE to be on your own. Now if my mom couldn’t have come through in this hypothetical situation, I’m sure one of my aunts or uncles would have helped me out, or I would just be homeless for a while, or crash with friends. Okay, I’m being melodramatic, but you get the idea. Things would have worked out.
I told myself, Tracy you met this goal. Get a new computer. You earned it. I went downtown to look at computers, and I just couldn’t pull the trigger. I told myself I shouldn’t buy it, because you just never know. Last night I had an intense migraine for four hours, and couldn’t cook. Thought about ordering a pizza. Didn’t, because it is a waste of money. What if I need that 15$ later?
This is all completely ridiculous because I have been on a VERY comfortable budget while I’ve been on sabbatical. I ate out, I travelled. I never missed drinks with friends and old coworkers. I purchased e-books. And yet now that I have the promise of stability, I’m locking everything down and worrying that it will all be taken away. Does that make sense? It is a strange thing that my mind has done.
Then today I heard that a company that I was considering working for barely a month ago is going under. Kapoot. All gone. Now I think to myself why should I want to go back to normal? Â Nothing is certain in this economy- this is the new normal. Time will change things, but for now I can’t control the residual feelings of fear and stress I have. Instead I can channel that wiry energy toward actively moving forward in my projects and my career. Like going vegan taught me, I can do without for most things. I don’t need a bunch of stuff, and I don’t want a bunch of stuff. I want freedom and an interesting life. So for 2013, I want to do good work, keep hustling, stay cheap and stay free. And now I’m off to the post office to mail some stuff I sold on Amazon. $$$
WELL. Here we are at DAY THIRTY. The end of my vegan thing, and another 2 wks to go on the sugar program. I almost updated on Day 20, but honestly it was so boring. Here’s what I had:
30 Day Vegan: Eating at home has been totally fine as I’ve gotten my ass into the kitchen and have made a few staples to get me through the week. I’ve been living on the following: portobello mushroom fajitas, oatmeal, salads, falafels and lentils. I know, it’s not very exciting, but not having to think too much has been a nice change of pace. The only real disappointment is the fact that  finding vegan brunch in San Francisco is a pain. Even at classy joints like NOPA, there was nothing to be  had which would pass for vegan. So I cobbled together a few side dishes and called it a day.
I Quit Sugar: Getting there. Taking my coffee black. Eating a whole lot of avocado to keep the cravings at bay. Had a blueberry the other day and it tasted like a lightning bolt in my mouth. Whoa!
Side effects: Skin’s still looking pretty clear. Still dreaming about food. Not missing meat at all, just cheese.
30 Day Vegan:Â Well, that was a fun experiment. Is it disappointing to say that going vegan was not that interesting? I got into a rhythm and then there wasn’t much to it besides cruising through it on autopilot with my favorite veggie dishes. Restaurants were the only real temptation. Tomorrow I’m celebrating the end with a real brunch (EGGS) and maybe a nice meal.
I Quit Sugar: Still trying on this one, and doing just ok. It is really really hard avoiding fruit. I have about two more weeks on the IQS plan.
Side effects: Hormonal acne is back.>:l Even vegetables taste sweet to me. Lost a few pounds from going vegan, but nothing all that startling.
The experiment was another reminder that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Vegan cheese in all of its forms (cashew cheese, Daiya) were crap (even after I ordered San Francisco’s “best” vegan pizza from Patxi’s), and tofu isn’t much of a replacement for eggs. I missed those terribly. Everything else I didn’t think about much. I made it through fine without dreaming of fried chicken, for example. Based on my cravings, I think that I can cut back generally on my overall meat consumption. It’s good to know that you can do without.
I know, I’m two years late to the game, but I’ve started using 750words.com. I’ve finally heard about “Morning pages” and 750words enough times in the last few weeks that I went ahead and started an account. Funny how that works, hunh? It really does take a critical mass to get things going, even for one person. Now Vine on the other hand… I’m going to hold off on that.
Morning Pages is a daily writing practice from the Artist’s Way. Basically you write out about three pages of stream of consciousness longhand  first thing in the morning. Think of it as an early morning brain dump, something to get you focused and ready for your day. Or not. Maybe it’s just a mass of incoherent garbling, a long list, or maybe it’s just the word Why? 750 times. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
750words takes the Morning Pages practice and puts it up online in a thankfully default private setting. What other online application’s settings are default? This is fantastic. 750 words = about three pages, give or take. It’s long enough for you to really go in depth into an issue that’s bothering you, yet it’s also short enough that you don’t want to give up.
The thing that I’m enjoying most about the site so far is that there are STATS. YES. Analytics on my writing. BEHOLD MY SUBCONSCIOUS (which is not nodding coyly while my inner goddess does somersaults):
Anyways, you get the idea. It’s a pretty interesting way to recognize patterns, or to get a handle on things that are bothering you. Apparently I’m more affectionate and extroverted online than in real life. Just kidding!
Here’s a screengrab from the “linguistic analysis” of a rambling account of a strange dream I had a few nights ago. I’m thinking about  my own mortality, apparently. If I recall, the dream was about the abandoned Sutro Baths, and marriage. >:)
